well, looks like I got it.
The extra remote is working.
And, thanks to the power of Google, I found out that the antenna I have in the top right corner of my windshield is part of the alarm system, which led me to the discovery of the alarm itself.
After that it was a matter of following the instructions (thanks google ) of putting the alarm in 'learning' mode and off we go!
Thanks to everyone's input.
There is no 'valet button' i can see. Either the system doesn't have one, or it wasn't installed. Since there is one empty socket, it's probably simply not there.
btw the alarm is 130xv, so technically my remote is not a correct one. I should have a 3 button remote, but since these are working fine, I'm not going to touch it (hopefully) ever again.

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